My child is growing at a rapid pace. I look at him as he goes out the door sometimes and think "where have the last six years of my life gone?"! So many difficult tasks he and I faced. A year alone, abandonment by those we loved most, a tragic accident and the dissolution of my marriage.... that's a lot to ask for a child to face. And yet, he did so with kindness, forgiveness, love and courage.
His love and innocence is what keeps me grounded. Through the eyes of a child, I can see the world in many different ways! Yet when they sleep, I wonder what fantastic castles they're visiting, how many cities they're saving or just where we are going together.
At night, sometimes I find it difficult to sleep. I lay awake and toss and turn. Like many of us, thoughts of bills, responsibilities and other stressful things dance through our heads instead of sugar-plum fairies. And when I do fall asleep, it is short slept. I wake at 2 am, like an alarm in my head. I have trained my body to do this since my child was a baby. I'd wake to change his diaper (he's sleep right through it) and he'd wake up happy, bouncy and dry.
Now-a-days, with no diaper to change, I venture into his room to catch a glimpse of my sleeping prince. I crawl into his bed and watch him sleep. Eyes closed, soft skin with his little mouth moving ever so slightly. I sing to him. Our song, "Have I Told You Lately"....just the beginning. You'd think he wouldn't hear me and that singing to him would be for my benefit only yet I can tell you; he hears me. He knows his mother is there. And after I kiss his forehead to leave him to rest for the night, I catch a smile on his face. Ever so slightly, I touch his hand "I love you" and I tip-toe out of the room.
A small Smile in the Night; a Little Moment, that can be heard through sleeping ears will only comfort him more to know I'm not going anywhere.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Delight in someone's BIG MOMENT and make it your Little Moment
As a freelance and an Assistance Photographer, I capture the moments in a woman's life where she is the Princess for a day. Where the day finally comes true that she has been planning since putting on that first Disney Princess Dress at age 5 comes true. I am fortunate to be the one who is like the spectator in on the fun, behind the scenes, making it happen.
Within these Weddings I shoot, I find myself daydreaming during down times. Scrolling through the pictures I have taken thus far, I look at how beautiful the bride is and how much in love with her the groom is. I crack a smile and think to myself "someday, that will be me".
In these Weddings are BIG Moments that are my Little Moments I get to capture.... the first dance, the Father/Daughter/Mother/Son Dances and I think "I can't WAIT to do these things and have my big day!"
In my first marriage, we held a small ceremony of only 20 people. And even then, my husband's brother didn't even show. A small luncheon was held after the nuptials were over and then out we went. No reception, no dancing... with my husband or my father. This is something I can't let out of my sight. When I find my true love, I want to dance with him like no one else in the world is around. It's just me and him. I want to dance with my father to show him I am still, and always will be, his little girl. And this time around, I will dance with my son. He is the strength in me to keep fighting! So I look at my Weddings that I shoot as practice for my very own. Because when that time comes, I'll know exactly what to do!!
-Cheers!!!
Within these Weddings I shoot, I find myself daydreaming during down times. Scrolling through the pictures I have taken thus far, I look at how beautiful the bride is and how much in love with her the groom is. I crack a smile and think to myself "someday, that will be me".
In these Weddings are BIG Moments that are my Little Moments I get to capture.... the first dance, the Father/Daughter/Mother/Son Dances and I think "I can't WAIT to do these things and have my big day!"
In my first marriage, we held a small ceremony of only 20 people. And even then, my husband's brother didn't even show. A small luncheon was held after the nuptials were over and then out we went. No reception, no dancing... with my husband or my father. This is something I can't let out of my sight. When I find my true love, I want to dance with him like no one else in the world is around. It's just me and him. I want to dance with my father to show him I am still, and always will be, his little girl. And this time around, I will dance with my son. He is the strength in me to keep fighting! So I look at my Weddings that I shoot as practice for my very own. Because when that time comes, I'll know exactly what to do!!
-Cheers!!!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Up All Night
At one point or another, in a Mother's life, there comes a time she can't keep running from the fact that her baby(ies) are growing up. And nothing says "growing up" then the dreaded first day of Kindergarten. Now, my sister, who is a seasoned Mother of four, cannot WAIT until this day comes. I, being a Mother of one, have not had the pleasure of facing such a challenge. I spent the better part of the summer before my son entered into Kindergarten, trying to make excuses and reasons up in my mind that it isn't "coming". That September was so far away, it will take a very long time to arrive. Just like as I was as a child, thinking I would never become an Adult because it was "so far away", September did actually arrive and so did the eve of Kindergarten. After putting my child to bed, who has the heart of an angel, cares so deeply for myself and those in his family, doesn't have a mean bone in his body..... I attempted to go to sleep.
No such luck.
My eyes were wide open. The ceiling looked whiter than ever. Thoughts and disasters flew through my mind. It wasn't long ago I left my child, then three, in the hands of a school and, on the first day, he came home with a broken nose. Imagine my terror, then, when having to let him go when there were no "parent camera's" to watch him on the Internet and it was up to him to tell me how school went during the day.
Around 2am, I ventured downstairs where I found my mother. Sharing a home with your parents does have its benefits. This night would have been one of them. I sat down next to my mother, looked at her and burst into tears. "MOM!" I cried, "He's not a baby anymore, I have to let him go". My mother giggles in empathy because she went through it more than once. "Lisa," she said as she held her baby, "it's ok. He'll be fine. He's a nice boy and he is a leader. He will be ok".
Somehow, that just wasn't helpful. All my hard work for the last 5 and a half years is about to be challenged by peer pressure, the unknown and.... my own memories of school. TERRIFYING. My mother kept saying to "stay strong" and "not to do this in front of the child". This I knew, which is why I was taking the time out the entire 8 hours that night to do it alone (after my Mother went to bed).
I was strong and supportive when my son woke up for school the first day. He was excited. Now, he was a "BIG BOY" and he felt like it! As he dressed, he kept saying over and over again, "no more PreK, right Mommy?" I would laugh and say "Yup, no more PreK".
The ride to school was a talkative one. He and I both, I believe, needed to keep talking to take our shivers away from us. It was all positive. I told him about all the new friends he would make in the next few months and all the wonderful things he would learn. He was telling me about what he was excited to learn and how he couldn't wait to see his classroom.
When we arrived in the Carline, it moved smoothly.... too quickly for me... by the time we got to the point where I had to let the teacher open in the door, he already had his schoolbag on his back, kissed and hugged me good-bye and out the door he went. "Have a great first day, champ!" I yelled. He turned back and, as I drove slowly away, he and I put up our hands in sign language and said "I love you". Then he disappeared into the school...
No such luck.
My eyes were wide open. The ceiling looked whiter than ever. Thoughts and disasters flew through my mind. It wasn't long ago I left my child, then three, in the hands of a school and, on the first day, he came home with a broken nose. Imagine my terror, then, when having to let him go when there were no "parent camera's" to watch him on the Internet and it was up to him to tell me how school went during the day.
Around 2am, I ventured downstairs where I found my mother. Sharing a home with your parents does have its benefits. This night would have been one of them. I sat down next to my mother, looked at her and burst into tears. "MOM!" I cried, "He's not a baby anymore, I have to let him go". My mother giggles in empathy because she went through it more than once. "Lisa," she said as she held her baby, "it's ok. He'll be fine. He's a nice boy and he is a leader. He will be ok".
Somehow, that just wasn't helpful. All my hard work for the last 5 and a half years is about to be challenged by peer pressure, the unknown and.... my own memories of school. TERRIFYING. My mother kept saying to "stay strong" and "not to do this in front of the child". This I knew, which is why I was taking the time out the entire 8 hours that night to do it alone (after my Mother went to bed).
I was strong and supportive when my son woke up for school the first day. He was excited. Now, he was a "BIG BOY" and he felt like it! As he dressed, he kept saying over and over again, "no more PreK, right Mommy?" I would laugh and say "Yup, no more PreK".
The ride to school was a talkative one. He and I both, I believe, needed to keep talking to take our shivers away from us. It was all positive. I told him about all the new friends he would make in the next few months and all the wonderful things he would learn. He was telling me about what he was excited to learn and how he couldn't wait to see his classroom.
When we arrived in the Carline, it moved smoothly.... too quickly for me... by the time we got to the point where I had to let the teacher open in the door, he already had his schoolbag on his back, kissed and hugged me good-bye and out the door he went. "Have a great first day, champ!" I yelled. He turned back and, as I drove slowly away, he and I put up our hands in sign language and said "I love you". Then he disappeared into the school...
Monday, August 15, 2011
The Sky is Falling
Imagine.... midnight at the age of 13.... you should be in bed, no? Well, not exactly. Once a year, the earth gets the see one heck of a spectacular event in a meteor shower. Something my family wouldn't miss and has loved; us being the Astronomers that we are and everything. When I was a child, my mother would bring out blankets, sleeping bags, lawn chairs, hot chocolate and a table for us to sit on our front lawn and watch the sky fall. When most people are asleep or engaged in their life that they forget to look up and marvel at what is beyond our on world; we stop and take one night a year to marvel at it. As I grew, I became more interested in the cosmos; became a HUGE fan of SyFy (Stargate Atlantis anyone?) and tried to learn whatever I could about what is beyond the stars. In fact, my five year old son knows the solar system better than most adults, being able to name the planets, in line from the sun to Pluto (well, I STILL like to think Pluto is a planet even though it's been declassified; thanks Neil DeGrass Tyson). My son has books upon books about our Earth and Universe. These books are not for kids. They're books that Adults use to learn about the solar system yet he shares in his mothers enthusiasm with the Stars.
This week was this years annual meteor shower. To take place just before dawn, 4 am couldn't have come quicker for me. Up and at 'em! I was up, dressed, in my comfy rob and outside I went. I was alone this year; it was cloudy and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to see anything and then I started to see little parts here and there coming into the atmosphere and my eyes lit up like a little girl on her 4th birthday!! Into the house I went and got my mother. She and I then grabbed our lawn chairs and sat outside until the Sun rose up in the east to watch what little of the meteor shower we could see from behind the clouds. I was a bit disappointed in this years shower, but I am still happy I was up to keeping the traditions and my interest in the mysterious galaxy that surrounds our world. Perhaps one day, we'll have that chance to travel outside it and see just what lies beyond us instead of just watching the sky fall.
This week was this years annual meteor shower. To take place just before dawn, 4 am couldn't have come quicker for me. Up and at 'em! I was up, dressed, in my comfy rob and outside I went. I was alone this year; it was cloudy and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to see anything and then I started to see little parts here and there coming into the atmosphere and my eyes lit up like a little girl on her 4th birthday!! Into the house I went and got my mother. She and I then grabbed our lawn chairs and sat outside until the Sun rose up in the east to watch what little of the meteor shower we could see from behind the clouds. I was a bit disappointed in this years shower, but I am still happy I was up to keeping the traditions and my interest in the mysterious galaxy that surrounds our world. Perhaps one day, we'll have that chance to travel outside it and see just what lies beyond us instead of just watching the sky fall.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A Five Year Old and a Speaker Phone
Ah to hear a child's voice through the phone can bring Grandmom and Grandpop such joy from afar. Keep a child in touch with their father as he travels for business. Or ...
completely school his mother on speaker phone as she attempts to show a friend just how "sweet and kind" her son is.
Yes, ladies and gentle men... I was that mother.
During a particular stressful and sad week, I had spent a lot of time with a friend who had just lost their mother and I helped in support, a shoulder to lean on and kept a silent cry in my heart for my friend. On one particular night, we were both working on a slide show CD to show at the viewing when I thought to myself; "I'm never going to get home in time to get Alex to bed". I looked at my friend and I said "I am going to surprise him! I'm going to take him out of school tomorrow and have a 'Mommy N' Me Day' since I haven't seen him a whole lot these last few days".
I dial my cellphone; my father answers. I ask to speak to my son... as I wait, I turn to my friend and I say "wait until you see how excited he gets when I tell him". This is the conversation as I remember it:
Alex: Hi Mommy!
Me: Hi Alex, how are you?
Alex: Good.
Me: Well listen, I have a surprise for you.
Alex: A surprise? Are you serious?!
Me: *giggle* Yes a Surprise.... You know how you haven't really seen Mommy much lately?
Alex: Yes.
Me: And you are sad about that?
Alex: Yes.
Me: Mommy wants to make it up to you...
Alex: WHAT IS IT?
Me: Tomorrow, you won't be going to school, you'll be spending the day... with MOMMY with a "Mommy N' Me Day"!
Alex:*whine* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I don't want a Mommy and Me Day! I want a Pop pop and Me Day!
(at this point, my friend is ROLLING with laughter at how easily this took me down and made my heart break. In the background, you could hear my Father saying "Alex don't say that, that's not nice")
Me: *trying so hard not to laugh* Alex, if you don't want a Mommy N' Me Day then I will send you to school.
Alex: YES! Send me to school!!
(Now my "friend" is about to bust a gut)
Alex: You know what Mommy?
Me: What?
Alex: Pop pops Awesome, Mom mom's Awesome, I'm Awesome ...*giggle* you're not awesome *laughter*
(again with the"friend" laughing their face off and my father AND mother now both saying in the background
"Alex! Don't say that to your mother!!)
Me: Awww, Alex... I think YOU'RE awesome.
Alex: Just kidding Mommy... I was just kidding *laughter*
Mommy: Sometimes you can hurt someones feelings even when you're just kidding. I love you.
Alex: I .. I love you too... I have to go now... I'm going to give you to Mom mom...
So you see, my lovelies... this little moment brought tears to my eyes; in BOTH ways! In all fairness, I knew from the beginning my son was playing with me; I could hear his smile through the phone. I will tell you this... my friend and I really had a good long laugh after that one. I hope you enjoyed my little moment when I shared my 5 year old with a speaker phone.
completely school his mother on speaker phone as she attempts to show a friend just how "sweet and kind" her son is.
Yes, ladies and gentle men... I was that mother.
During a particular stressful and sad week, I had spent a lot of time with a friend who had just lost their mother and I helped in support, a shoulder to lean on and kept a silent cry in my heart for my friend. On one particular night, we were both working on a slide show CD to show at the viewing when I thought to myself; "I'm never going to get home in time to get Alex to bed". I looked at my friend and I said "I am going to surprise him! I'm going to take him out of school tomorrow and have a 'Mommy N' Me Day' since I haven't seen him a whole lot these last few days".
I dial my cellphone; my father answers. I ask to speak to my son... as I wait, I turn to my friend and I say "wait until you see how excited he gets when I tell him". This is the conversation as I remember it:
Alex: Hi Mommy!
Me: Hi Alex, how are you?
Alex: Good.
Me: Well listen, I have a surprise for you.
Alex: A surprise? Are you serious?!
Me: *giggle* Yes a Surprise.... You know how you haven't really seen Mommy much lately?
Alex: Yes.
Me: And you are sad about that?
Alex: Yes.
Me: Mommy wants to make it up to you...
Alex: WHAT IS IT?
Me: Tomorrow, you won't be going to school, you'll be spending the day... with MOMMY with a "Mommy N' Me Day"!
Alex:*whine* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I don't want a Mommy and Me Day! I want a Pop pop and Me Day!
(at this point, my friend is ROLLING with laughter at how easily this took me down and made my heart break. In the background, you could hear my Father saying "Alex don't say that, that's not nice")
Me: *trying so hard not to laugh* Alex, if you don't want a Mommy N' Me Day then I will send you to school.
Alex: YES! Send me to school!!
(Now my "friend" is about to bust a gut)
Alex: You know what Mommy?
Me: What?
Alex: Pop pops Awesome, Mom mom's Awesome, I'm Awesome ...*giggle* you're not awesome *laughter*
(again with the"friend" laughing their face off and my father AND mother now both saying in the background
"Alex! Don't say that to your mother!!)
Me: Awww, Alex... I think YOU'RE awesome.
Alex: Just kidding Mommy... I was just kidding *laughter*
Mommy: Sometimes you can hurt someones feelings even when you're just kidding. I love you.
Alex: I .. I love you too... I have to go now... I'm going to give you to Mom mom...
So you see, my lovelies... this little moment brought tears to my eyes; in BOTH ways! In all fairness, I knew from the beginning my son was playing with me; I could hear his smile through the phone. I will tell you this... my friend and I really had a good long laugh after that one. I hope you enjoyed my little moment when I shared my 5 year old with a speaker phone.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Hurt Behind Her Eyes
Written by Robert Zastavny
There is something deep within the eyes of Lisa Marie
Can you see....
Will she allow you...
Will you take the time, or stop at her outer beauty
Not many will truly see what they hold
Many will see her eyes, the lucky ones will see only the eyes
The story behind the eyes, the soul, will be revealed to the fortunate ones
The lucky ones are just that, lucky to see such an external beauty, a beauty that can not be denied, but this beauty, striking as it is, pales in comparison to the story that will be told to the fortunate one
A story told to those with patience to see beyond the surface beauty
A story filled with pain, struggle, heartache but a story filled with faith hope and love
These eyes tell of a promise of what is to come will be greater, stronger and sweeter because of what has passed before these eyes
When one gazes upon the eyes of Lisa Marie, there is no loser, for even the lucky one who can not, will not take the time to linger, the reward is present, a smile, a twinkle of the eye
The true gift is given to the one who is patient, lasting and true, willing to look past the fleeting glance, taking the extra time to look past the outward beauty to the canvas of the story she longs to tell to the one
Do you look away?
Does she let you in?
Will you stay?
Lucky or fortunate?
There is something inside Lisa Marie
The look given, she is inviting me in
You missed the chance, you looked away, smiling you walk away only lucky
I will not settle for lucky - I want fortunate
Tell me a story Lisa Marie, together, we will walk, heart in heart, the fortunate ones - Turn the page, I am ready
Can you see....
Will she allow you...
Will you take the time, or stop at her outer beauty
Not many will truly see what they hold
Many will see her eyes, the lucky ones will see only the eyes
The story behind the eyes, the soul, will be revealed to the fortunate ones
The lucky ones are just that, lucky to see such an external beauty, a beauty that can not be denied, but this beauty, striking as it is, pales in comparison to the story that will be told to the fortunate one
A story told to those with patience to see beyond the surface beauty
A story filled with pain, struggle, heartache but a story filled with faith hope and love
These eyes tell of a promise of what is to come will be greater, stronger and sweeter because of what has passed before these eyes
When one gazes upon the eyes of Lisa Marie, there is no loser, for even the lucky one who can not, will not take the time to linger, the reward is present, a smile, a twinkle of the eye
The true gift is given to the one who is patient, lasting and true, willing to look past the fleeting glance, taking the extra time to look past the outward beauty to the canvas of the story she longs to tell to the one
Do you look away?
Does she let you in?
Will you stay?
Lucky or fortunate?
There is something inside Lisa Marie
The look given, she is inviting me in
You missed the chance, you looked away, smiling you walk away only lucky
I will not settle for lucky - I want fortunate
Tell me a story Lisa Marie, together, we will walk, heart in heart, the fortunate ones - Turn the page, I am ready
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Adult Swim
When I was a little girl, I attended a swim club near my home where my mother worked. It was part of a community club so there was all kinds of good memories from here. My Dad teaching me how to swim without water wings, jumping off the diving board for the first time and pizza from their kitchen! The only down draw to this particular club was that, every hour or so, they would make every kid get out of the pool so the "Adults" could "Swim". It was called the "Adult Swim" and it was the meanest thing you could do to a kid on a hot, summer day when they've been swimming and then forced to shiver under their towels for a half hour as the Adult just stand in the water. No, no NO Adult actually SWAM during this time. My father would go in and I would sit on the side of the pool with my feet in the water. He would do tricks and splash me and find ways to help me pass the time. But this I just couldn't understand as a child. I suppose now as an Adult myself, I would appreciate the opportunity to swim without the kids splashing, kicking and just being kids in the pool but I still kinda don't agree with it.
There was one horribly hot day when I remember the Adult Swim was called and all the kids got out. I sat on the side, as usual, and in went Dad. It seemed like FOREVER as I waited for them to blow the whistle to tell us we could go back in. I remember playing with my Dad with my feet and I heard "the whistle". Up I stood and in I jumped! but when I came up and saw all the other kids jumping in too, the Adults were going FRANTIC trying to get out. Apparently, the whistle was NOT for us to go back in but to stop someone from doing something wrong. I'm sorry, I'm a kid, I have NO track of time but it had only been 15 minuets into the Adult Swim and I had just single handily brought it to a premature end. My Dad was laughing and embarrassed at the same time as I came up for air and he whispered to me "way to go, Lisa. You got all these old girls swimming for their lives".
I was the hero for the day after that! The most popular kid at the pool as all the kids were SO THANKFUL I put a stop to the ridiculous "Adult Swim", at least for the time being. I didn't get into any trouble from the club managers. Seriously, it was a funny situation and an honest mistake by a jumpy kid.
From that point forward, I always went back to my chair and laid out in the sun until the Adult Swim was over and left it up to someone else to jump in before it was over. It was good to be leader for a day and totally embarrassing at the same time.
There was one horribly hot day when I remember the Adult Swim was called and all the kids got out. I sat on the side, as usual, and in went Dad. It seemed like FOREVER as I waited for them to blow the whistle to tell us we could go back in. I remember playing with my Dad with my feet and I heard "the whistle". Up I stood and in I jumped! but when I came up and saw all the other kids jumping in too, the Adults were going FRANTIC trying to get out. Apparently, the whistle was NOT for us to go back in but to stop someone from doing something wrong. I'm sorry, I'm a kid, I have NO track of time but it had only been 15 minuets into the Adult Swim and I had just single handily brought it to a premature end. My Dad was laughing and embarrassed at the same time as I came up for air and he whispered to me "way to go, Lisa. You got all these old girls swimming for their lives".
I was the hero for the day after that! The most popular kid at the pool as all the kids were SO THANKFUL I put a stop to the ridiculous "Adult Swim", at least for the time being. I didn't get into any trouble from the club managers. Seriously, it was a funny situation and an honest mistake by a jumpy kid.
From that point forward, I always went back to my chair and laid out in the sun until the Adult Swim was over and left it up to someone else to jump in before it was over. It was good to be leader for a day and totally embarrassing at the same time.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Before I Was A Mom
Before I was a Mom ,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
 |
| The love of my life |
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom ,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom ,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests. Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom ,
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.!
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
Before I was a Mom ,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom ,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache, the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom .
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom .
Now I am a Mom and I love every moment of it.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tears from a Photograph.
You know you really love someone, miss someone and value someone when a small picture of them can bring tears to your eyes. MomMom's, PopPop's, Mother's, Father's, Sister's and Brother, the one that got away, pets that brought us everlasting joy; all these people have a profound affect on our lives. Though they may never again touch your hand, swipe your hair, tell you they "love you", sit on your lap and purr or protect you from strangers, their love and companionship will never leave your heart.
Don't fight the tears from the photographs when you feel them coming. It's ok to hurt. We're human and hurting is what we do best. Let yourself feel your loss, even if it's been 30 years the last time you saw Grandpa yet you can hear his voice so clearly in you head. He hasn't left you, he's there for you. The one's that get away got away for a reason; mourn them and move on. Easier said than done, trust me; I know, but it's better for you in the end to acknowledge your feelings and move on with being you; someone will find you. Get a picture frame engraved for your lost pets; "In Memory of...", put a piece of their favorite toy, lock of their hair if your lucky, or something special to them in the photo frame with their picture.
 |
| a Mother mourns her youngest Daughter |
We have many ways to preserve the memory of a lost loved one. Even when friendships end, it can be pretty hard when it's all washed up and there is nothing left. Say Good-bye to each other, never just leave. The pain you can cause someone when you do that is heartbreaking when no one understands or has closure. It'll take a while for the wounds to heal, but time will heal things. Could take a while. A month, 6 months, a YEAR... who knows? But I do know that life has a way of filling the holes in our hearts that are seemingly left behind by those who have left us.
Look forward to what is in your future and what could be. I know I am.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Where'd It Go?
So my Sister, Sam has a a fantastic bunch of kids. Four actually and they're all great in their own ways. The youngest, a boy (who is my GodSon, TYVM) is growing every day and each time I see him, we share a special moment together that is so little but so important, it deserves a mention. A few weeks ago, Sam and I were talking about her baby boy while he played in my living room. She was all smiles when she told me something that really caught her off guard. As it was just her and the baby during the day, with the other kids at school, she was cleaning the living room with her son toddling around her. One moment he had something in his hands, the next, he threw it and mom says "where'd it go?" and puts her hands up. Then, the baby looks at his mother and imitates her exactly, plain as day "were it goo?"! First full sentence just out of no where. Now, I had to see this for myself. So she calls my little baby doll over and picks up a small ball and drops it. "Where'd it go?" she asks him. He looks up at her with a big smile on his face and again, with the cutest little baby voice "were it goo"?
You know that feeling in your chest when you're so happy, you get this hot little sensation where your heart is beating? Yeah, that's what I felt when this darling little boy said it for me. And we did this over and over again, each time more precious than the first. Ok, so maybe this is one of those bigger moments in life that is so small it makes an impact on you profoundly. I can remember my son not talking at all all the way up until 2 years old. Then one day, out of the blue, he comes up to me and pats the refrigerator door "Mommy, juice please". All this time I thought he was a slow talker he was actually LISTENING to everything being said around him enough to put an entire sentence together rather than just having a first word. I mean, he said "Dada" for the longest time but that was it... otherwise, the wheels in their tiny little heads never stop turning and they're like sponges when it comes to learning.
Mother's, teach your children while they're young, even if you think they're not listening... they are. They hear and see everything that goes on around them in a different view point than our own. Treasure these little moments with your babies. They grow up fast enough and you'll wind up asking yourself "Where'd It Go?"
You know that feeling in your chest when you're so happy, you get this hot little sensation where your heart is beating? Yeah, that's what I felt when this darling little boy said it for me. And we did this over and over again, each time more precious than the first. Ok, so maybe this is one of those bigger moments in life that is so small it makes an impact on you profoundly. I can remember my son not talking at all all the way up until 2 years old. Then one day, out of the blue, he comes up to me and pats the refrigerator door "Mommy, juice please". All this time I thought he was a slow talker he was actually LISTENING to everything being said around him enough to put an entire sentence together rather than just having a first word. I mean, he said "Dada" for the longest time but that was it... otherwise, the wheels in their tiny little heads never stop turning and they're like sponges when it comes to learning.
Mother's, teach your children while they're young, even if you think they're not listening... they are. They hear and see everything that goes on around them in a different view point than our own. Treasure these little moments with your babies. They grow up fast enough and you'll wind up asking yourself "Where'd It Go?"
Little Moments Hurt, too
There are the little moments in our lives that we will never forget... and sometimes, they're very painful. I remember a time when I was a little girl crossing my front lawn and I accidentally stepped on a bee. Oh how I cried! I thought, "that bee could be someones Mommy and she's not going home now because of me"! How innocent I was. To this day, I watch where I am walking so I do not step on the bee's in the grass. I have a heart, I cannot kill a thing, not even an ant. Remembering that little moment in my life made me realize how precious life truly is and how important it is to take every day and make it the best you can. Share it with people you love and care about, let go of those you cannot hold on to and forgive those who have wronged you.
One of the more profound "little moments" we all remember is our first break-up. The first time we're "dumped", for lack of better words. One moment, you're on top of the world, the next your heart is ripped out of your chest and thrown on the floor; being stomped on. Did you see it coming? Maybe... maybe not. Either way, it is one of those moments that help us cope for future "dumpings" and assists us in realizing that very rarely do relationships actually work out all the way to marriage. And even THEN, it can be tricky. Still, the first time you're dumped can be a dooooosey and it can debilitate you for days, weeks, and sometimes months, depending on how "deep" you were. As a kid, you think it's the end of the world. Like you'll never live again... then you meet another boy and it's like, "who was that other guy again?". That's when you realize there are "more fish in the sea" and everything will be ok. You start to realize that you're worth taking your time and finding the "right" one for you. Some people make it through High School and are married for 50 years. Others try their best, over and over again, and still don't make it through.
Breaking up is hard to do. And it's one of those little moments, your first break up, that hurt the most.
One of the more profound "little moments" we all remember is our first break-up. The first time we're "dumped", for lack of better words. One moment, you're on top of the world, the next your heart is ripped out of your chest and thrown on the floor; being stomped on. Did you see it coming? Maybe... maybe not. Either way, it is one of those moments that help us cope for future "dumpings" and assists us in realizing that very rarely do relationships actually work out all the way to marriage. And even THEN, it can be tricky. Still, the first time you're dumped can be a dooooosey and it can debilitate you for days, weeks, and sometimes months, depending on how "deep" you were. As a kid, you think it's the end of the world. Like you'll never live again... then you meet another boy and it's like, "who was that other guy again?". That's when you realize there are "more fish in the sea" and everything will be ok. You start to realize that you're worth taking your time and finding the "right" one for you. Some people make it through High School and are married for 50 years. Others try their best, over and over again, and still don't make it through.
Breaking up is hard to do. And it's one of those little moments, your first break up, that hurt the most.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sitting on the dock of the Lake
When I was a little girl, my grandparents lived on a lake in Mount Pocono. It always made for great summer vacations as we took trips around the lake in our paddle boats, swimming, visited the little beach they had for the community and yes, there was plenty of fishing. Being the girl that I was, I could swing a fishing rod like a champ but never really could catch anything. My older brother, on the other hand, had one EPIC day where he and my Grandfather spent the entire day fishing, and catching fish from morning until the evening. Enough fish to feed us for dinner! I remember watching in amazement as my brother and Grandfather pulled fish after fish out of the water and threw them into the cooler. I tried my best to keep up with them yet they were pro's and there was no matching them! Eventually, it just became a joy to sit with my father and watch the action unfold. My Grandfather, knee deep at one point, in water, showing off his skills and casting way out into the lake and catching some pretty impressive fish. All I ever caught were sunnies of which I had no heart to keep and always let go. I guess I didn't have much success because I never wanted to stab a worm either, so I always put a piece of bread on the end of my hook... which most likely melted off in the water and was no appealing to the fish as much as the yummy worms my brother and Grandfather were serving up.
After the fishing was done, my Grandfather took my brother by his side and taught him how to sheer them. I watched and he and my brother prepared out meal for the night and attended with my little, sweet Italian Grandmother in the kitchen getting the spices and table ready. Grandpop cooked the fish on the grill and we ate like champs that night.
My father would often take us to Mount Pocono to visit my Grandparents on the lake. My favorite part was sitting on the dock of the lake and watching the Bald Eagles fly by if I was lucky enough to catch one with my eyes. I remember the loft that overlooked the downstairs of the house that we slept in while we were visiting. Since Grandpop passed in 1999, Grandmom sold her house on the lake and lives in Florida. I miss that house. It has made for some wonderful memories and, of course, little moments.
After the fishing was done, my Grandfather took my brother by his side and taught him how to sheer them. I watched and he and my brother prepared out meal for the night and attended with my little, sweet Italian Grandmother in the kitchen getting the spices and table ready. Grandpop cooked the fish on the grill and we ate like champs that night.
My father would often take us to Mount Pocono to visit my Grandparents on the lake. My favorite part was sitting on the dock of the lake and watching the Bald Eagles fly by if I was lucky enough to catch one with my eyes. I remember the loft that overlooked the downstairs of the house that we slept in while we were visiting. Since Grandpop passed in 1999, Grandmom sold her house on the lake and lives in Florida. I miss that house. It has made for some wonderful memories and, of course, little moments.
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Block
Ah, the innocence of a child. It can bring a smile to mostly eveyone's face at all times of the day or night. More inspiring is the laughter of an infant when you rip a piece of paper, throw a ball into the air or, in my son's case, flip a little blue block in front of his eyes. How they lit up with wonder when his father and I did this! Out of all the A B C blocks, this little blue block survived the dogs, the move and was the last block standing. Out of all the toys my little 8 month old had at the time, it was also his favorite toy. Don't ask me why, but he carried it around with him like it was a blankie. Adorable to me. It was a spring afternoon on a weekend after lunch time. My son still sat in his high chair after the family sat and had lunch together. That's when his father picked up the blue block, placed it in front of our son on his high chair and began to flip it with his index finger. First... a little giggle... then another... and another... soon enough, there were belly laughs coming from my little 8 month old boy that gave a snort or two of absolute amazement at his favorite blue block doing the most awesome trick he'd ever seen!!
This moment is burned into my memory as being the most innocent and loving laughter from my son I'd ever experienced. Some who have seen this video have said it gives them "hope for future generations" because of his love and laughter. Those people also know what a kind, caring and loving child my son now is and will continue to be. Anyone fortunate to have him in their lives are richer as a person for knowing him. He has taught a lot of people patience and forgiveness when it seems out of reach.
This moment is burned into my memory as being the most innocent and loving laughter from my son I'd ever experienced. Some who have seen this video have said it gives them "hope for future generations" because of his love and laughter. Those people also know what a kind, caring and loving child my son now is and will continue to be. Anyone fortunate to have him in their lives are richer as a person for knowing him. He has taught a lot of people patience and forgiveness when it seems out of reach.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Waking up at 4am.
I've seem to have gotten myself into a really bad habit. I go to bed late and wake up early.... I mean, earrrrrrrllllllyy. Lets say I fall asleep at midnight. By 4am, I am wide awake. I don't know why yet I keep on trucking from that point forward all the way up until, sometimes, 2am the next day. You think, "this can't be healthy right?" yet I'm not sure. I used to sleep for 12 hours at a time and that STILL wasn't enough, now I am able to enjoy a little "me" time, sit by my window and watch the sunrise. Alone, albeit, but still the sun rising in the east never-the-less. This is my little moment of every day where I can just "be"; quietly. I listen to my music, write on my blogs (ya think?) and give my two furry little friends, MewMew and Tips, some well needed and deserved one-on-one time to play. Hey, they're nocturnal cats, they love it that I am awake with them! As I write this, Tips sits on my lap.
You might think waking up at 4am wide-eyed and ready to go is bad thing. But I dare you to try it and give the peace of night to yourself and see if it doesn't have an effect on you.
You might think waking up at 4am wide-eyed and ready to go is bad thing. But I dare you to try it and give the peace of night to yourself and see if it doesn't have an effect on you.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Two Month Old Snow Fall
My son was two months old, one of the most precious ages I can remember. Even though all of his ages are precious to me in their own way, there is something about a tiny infant that just brings new meaning to life. Having been born in late October, we were in early winter by this point, looking forward to his first Christmas. It was a cold night, about 3am when I woke to give him one of his middle-of-the-night bottle. I rose to go into the kitchen and warm his bottle for him as he waited patiently in his bassinett for his Mommy to come for him. He never yelled, screamed or cried for me because he always knew I was coming for him and he was confident even at that young age.
As I stood in the kitchen, boiling the bottle to warm it, I looked out to the enclosed porch we have that extends off the kitchen, surrounded by windows and a warm fireplace and I saw the snow fall. I turned the outside light on and you could see what a splendor the snowfall was that night. The snowflakes were large and the silence of it all was peaceful. I thought, what a perfect place to feed my baby. So I opened the door to the enclosed porch and turned up the heat. By this time, the bottle was perfectly warm, I went to cuddle my baby in his blanket and to the porch we went.
We sat in a rocker that was in perfect position for me to watch the snow fall. This little moment stands out in my mind as a memory that will never leave me. The peacefulness of the moment, the child cradled in my arms and the snow falling outside seemed magical. I can still picture the moment and feel it in my heart. It is one of my favorite moments with my son, along with many others. After he finished his bottle, he slept in my arms as I stayed for another two hours on the porch, admiring the weather and my son. I felt blessed, loved and so very fortunate and during that two month old snowfall, my life and its contents changed forever.
As I stood in the kitchen, boiling the bottle to warm it, I looked out to the enclosed porch we have that extends off the kitchen, surrounded by windows and a warm fireplace and I saw the snow fall. I turned the outside light on and you could see what a splendor the snowfall was that night. The snowflakes were large and the silence of it all was peaceful. I thought, what a perfect place to feed my baby. So I opened the door to the enclosed porch and turned up the heat. By this time, the bottle was perfectly warm, I went to cuddle my baby in his blanket and to the porch we went.
We sat in a rocker that was in perfect position for me to watch the snow fall. This little moment stands out in my mind as a memory that will never leave me. The peacefulness of the moment, the child cradled in my arms and the snow falling outside seemed magical. I can still picture the moment and feel it in my heart. It is one of my favorite moments with my son, along with many others. After he finished his bottle, he slept in my arms as I stayed for another two hours on the porch, admiring the weather and my son. I felt blessed, loved and so very fortunate and during that two month old snowfall, my life and its contents changed forever.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Someday
Someday, when we are wiser,
When the worlds older,
When we have learned....
I pray someday we may yet,
Live to live and to let live.
Someday, life will be fairer,
Need will be rarer,
And greed will not pay.
Godspeed this bright millennium,
On its way, let it come someday.
Someday, our fight will be won and,
We'll stand in the sun in,
That bright afternoon....
'Til then, on days when the sun,
Is gone, we'll hang on,
If we wish upon the moon.
There are some days, dark and bitter,
Seems we haven't got a prayer,
But a prayer for something better,
Is the one thing we all share.
Someday, when we are wiser,
When the whole world is older,
When we have love,
And I pray, someday we may yet,
Live to live and oneday, someday...
Someday, life will be fairer,
Need will be rarer,
And greed will not pay.
Godspeed, this bright millennium,
Let it come,
If we wish upon the moon...
Oneday, someday.....soon
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Under the Birch Tree
When I was a little girl, my father took me out into our back yard and shared a story with me that I will never forget. He said "Lisa, when I was your age, my father brought me into our yard and told me to pick a tree. He said 'this should be your tree you go to when you need to be alone'. So I want you to pick a tree that can be your 'favorite tree' to go to, sit with and be comfortable." We had so many trees in our backyard that it was hard to choose. Or so it would seem. With two rolling hills and three levels, the tree on the second level after the first hill with the white bark stood out to me. So I walked over to it and looked waaaay up high with its branches seemingly touching the sky and I knew instantly, this was my tree. I turned to my father and said "This one, Daddy. I like this one."
During the summer, I would take my art book out to the hill and sit Under the Birch Tree to draw. I was, and still am, quite the artist. I'd also write in my journal or just spend an hour in the warm air under it's shade and think to myself about things going on in my life. It was a most calming practice that I remember it well, and often go to my special tree in my mind when I need to feel safe and warm again.
Sadly, it wasn't long after I chose my tree that it began to die. My parents had no choice but to cut it down. However, they knew how special that tree was to me so the stump still sits in its place to this day. On top of the stump is a large flower pot and I bought a ceramic deer to lay at it's bottom. I remember it well and fondly and I thank my father for having me sit Under the Birch Tree.
During the summer, I would take my art book out to the hill and sit Under the Birch Tree to draw. I was, and still am, quite the artist. I'd also write in my journal or just spend an hour in the warm air under it's shade and think to myself about things going on in my life. It was a most calming practice that I remember it well, and often go to my special tree in my mind when I need to feel safe and warm again.
Sadly, it wasn't long after I chose my tree that it began to die. My parents had no choice but to cut it down. However, they knew how special that tree was to me so the stump still sits in its place to this day. On top of the stump is a large flower pot and I bought a ceramic deer to lay at it's bottom. I remember it well and fondly and I thank my father for having me sit Under the Birch Tree.
Christmas at the top of the Stairs
We've all been there. As kids at 4 o'clock in the morning waiting for those words from our parents "Santa came! Com'on down and see!". But what kid can actually SLEEP on Christmas Eve? Well, my brother sure as hell could and I would almost have to drop an atomic bomb on his bed to wake him up to help me stomp on the floor to wake my parents up. Oh but this wasn't until I waited a dreadful one hour until 5 o'clock to do so. My parents bedroom was directly below my brothers so we knew stomping on the floor would EVENTUALLY get their butts rollin' out of bed.
Most of the night, I would spend with my stuffed animals, talking up a storm about exactly what Santa would bring me sitting at the top of the stairs that led to my living room that held the ever powerful Christmas Tree. In a way, I tortured myself for not even trying to go to sleep. But as a wide-eyed, pigtailed little girl in her Christmas jammie's, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Though these days, I have no trouble falling asleep AND I tell my son; "You know sweetie, the FASTER you fall asleep, the FASTER Santa comes". Which isn't exactly a lie. Time flies when you're sleeping. I just couldn't do it as a child (thank goodness my son CAN... well, at least now at the age of five) and I spent Christmas at the top of the stairs.
And what's worse! When my brother finally DID wake up and start stomping with me, it would take about a half an hour for my parents to finally give in, because we weren't giving up, and come out. They wouldn't let us down until they had a chance to see what Santa brought. And they'd come out of their room, my Dad half falling over because he couldn't wake up and my Mother would say "Oh my! Look at alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll these presents Santa brought!! I just can't believe it!" And there would sit my brother and I, now about to chew our own fingers off waiting for "Ok kids, com'on down!". When IT finally happened it was a race down the steps. Really, I'm not sure how we survived to the age of ten with how bad we were going down the steps. It was every big brother and little sister for themselves!! Still we made it and into the pile we would go. My anxiety would fade and happiness would then become the new feeling in my heart.
But for most of the morning, I spent Christmas sitting, alone, at the top of the Stairs.
Most of the night, I would spend with my stuffed animals, talking up a storm about exactly what Santa would bring me sitting at the top of the stairs that led to my living room that held the ever powerful Christmas Tree. In a way, I tortured myself for not even trying to go to sleep. But as a wide-eyed, pigtailed little girl in her Christmas jammie's, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Though these days, I have no trouble falling asleep AND I tell my son; "You know sweetie, the FASTER you fall asleep, the FASTER Santa comes". Which isn't exactly a lie. Time flies when you're sleeping. I just couldn't do it as a child (thank goodness my son CAN... well, at least now at the age of five) and I spent Christmas at the top of the stairs.
And what's worse! When my brother finally DID wake up and start stomping with me, it would take about a half an hour for my parents to finally give in, because we weren't giving up, and come out. They wouldn't let us down until they had a chance to see what Santa brought. And they'd come out of their room, my Dad half falling over because he couldn't wake up and my Mother would say "Oh my! Look at alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll these presents Santa brought!! I just can't believe it!" And there would sit my brother and I, now about to chew our own fingers off waiting for "Ok kids, com'on down!". When IT finally happened it was a race down the steps. Really, I'm not sure how we survived to the age of ten with how bad we were going down the steps. It was every big brother and little sister for themselves!! Still we made it and into the pile we would go. My anxiety would fade and happiness would then become the new feeling in my heart.
But for most of the morning, I spent Christmas sitting, alone, at the top of the Stairs.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Stupid Teenage Moment
Everybody does it. At least, I think they do. Cut school once in their life. I was a late bloomer with this one. I had been a good girl all the way up until my senior year. Never did a bad thing in my life; no smoking, drinking, drugs, sneaking out... nothing. But there came a day where a friend of mine and I decided it would be fun to skip the morning classes and go get breakfast. I had my parents Van that I had been driving to and from school for a while. It was pretty dirty, thanks to me and my lazy ways. So I thought, what a great surprise it would be to take it through a car wash for Mom and Dad and have it looking good again.
So we did. My friend and I paid top dollar for the best car wash you could get. A whole $7!!! We were so excited after it was all over that we high fived each other. If we were gonna get caught cutting class, at least we did something productive! Maybe to lighten to load of the punishment? It's funny the way kids think.
After the car wash, my friend and I headed over to Burger King for our needed breakfast. We both ordered milkshakes (yes in the morning! Yum!) and an egg sandwich. We had taken our breakfast out to the Van for fear that someone, anyone, might see us and report us skipping school. When we came outside to the Van we were amazed and furious at the same time. It would seem that every bird the in Delaware Valley decided to take a dump right on my car. It was just covered from end to end in bird dung. What a waste of a good $7!! We got into the car and drove down the pike, towards a parking lot to pull over and eat when I got the BRILLIANT idea to turn the windshield wipers on... I had no wiper fluid mind you so you can imagine what happened next. Well, the bird crap didn't just go away, it smeared ALL OVER the windshield to the point where I could barely see. By this point, it was so stupid it was funny and my friend and I were laughing hysterically. What were we going to tell my parents? Actually, to this day, I don't think I did.... even though I am sort of telling them now.
Sorry Mom.
And here's the kicker. My friend had had enough of her milkshake and SHE had gotten the bright idea of letting it go outside the window of the moving Van. Now you can imagine what happened after THAT! Yes, of course because of the wind and the traveling Van, the milkshake did not drop to the street like she had hoped but rather streaked down the entire side of the vehicle! What a mess two teenagers caused in little over one hour!!
I don't remember how we cleaned it up; that $7 was all we had. But I do believe we found a way to get the car clean and looking fine by the end of the school day, which we never made it to.
I miss those days!
So we did. My friend and I paid top dollar for the best car wash you could get. A whole $7!!! We were so excited after it was all over that we high fived each other. If we were gonna get caught cutting class, at least we did something productive! Maybe to lighten to load of the punishment? It's funny the way kids think.
After the car wash, my friend and I headed over to Burger King for our needed breakfast. We both ordered milkshakes (yes in the morning! Yum!) and an egg sandwich. We had taken our breakfast out to the Van for fear that someone, anyone, might see us and report us skipping school. When we came outside to the Van we were amazed and furious at the same time. It would seem that every bird the in Delaware Valley decided to take a dump right on my car. It was just covered from end to end in bird dung. What a waste of a good $7!! We got into the car and drove down the pike, towards a parking lot to pull over and eat when I got the BRILLIANT idea to turn the windshield wipers on... I had no wiper fluid mind you so you can imagine what happened next. Well, the bird crap didn't just go away, it smeared ALL OVER the windshield to the point where I could barely see. By this point, it was so stupid it was funny and my friend and I were laughing hysterically. What were we going to tell my parents? Actually, to this day, I don't think I did.... even though I am sort of telling them now.
Sorry Mom.
And here's the kicker. My friend had had enough of her milkshake and SHE had gotten the bright idea of letting it go outside the window of the moving Van. Now you can imagine what happened after THAT! Yes, of course because of the wind and the traveling Van, the milkshake did not drop to the street like she had hoped but rather streaked down the entire side of the vehicle! What a mess two teenagers caused in little over one hour!!
I don't remember how we cleaned it up; that $7 was all we had. But I do believe we found a way to get the car clean and looking fine by the end of the school day, which we never made it to.
I miss those days!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Babe
There was this movie, Beethoven, that came out I think in the late 1980's. It stared a heart warming, lovable Saint Bernard. From the moment my brother laid eyes on the dog, he knew he had to have one. It took some convincing on his part to get my parents out to a breeder to see a few dogs. And in one of these little crates as the most softest, cutest, sweetest puppy you would ever have seen. She immediately rolled over for, what became known as, a "Tummy Rub". My brother, who was 13 at the time, picked her up and never put her down. You could see the thoughts racing through my parents head as they tried to figure out a way to say "no" but the more they got to know the pup, the harder it became to do so and so, within a few hours, we were on our way home with our newest member of the family.
I remember being in the back seat of the Van, my brother in the middle with the dog, and everyone was throwing up names for her. "Princess" "Killer" "Shadow"... but nothing seemed right. She was too darn cute for some and others just didn't fit. Now, I don't remember who came up with the name (most likely my mother) but "Babe" was suggested and, without hesitation, "Babe" became her name.
She was a BIG puppy!! For only being a few months old, she dwarfed some of the older dogs on the block. We didn't have a fenced in yard at the time, so each of us had to take turns walking her and taking her out back to play. Eventually, when it got warmer out and she didn't want to come in, she would use her size against me and plop herself right onto the ground and wouldn't get up. This was both hysterical and irritating at the same time. I either had friends I wanted to go play with or homework to do. In either case, there was no moving this gigantic puppy. A few months ago, I would have been able to pick her up and carry her into the house, but Babe grew quickly and soon she had it one over me.
I was at work as a teller just starting my career in the banking industry when I got a call from my brother. "Lisa" he said "We're going to have to put Babe down tonight". I just about dropped the phone. "Her hip is unrepairable" he continued. "We're going to wait until everyone can get here and say good-bye. She is comfortable now". I remember hanging up the phone with a sense of denial. This wasn't real. No, Babe would last forever. But sure enough, as I made my way to the Animal Hospital, the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. My Mother, Father, Brother, Aunt and myself were all there for her and taken to a large room where they'd bring her out to us. We all stood in the hallway, waiting for her. As they brought her around the corner, she lifted her head instantly when she saw us, her tail wagging quickly. She was strapped down yet she struggled to get up. As we all gathered with Babe in the room together, she tried so hard to get up; wanting to come home with us. This wasn't to be. The nurse gave us a few moments to be with her. And there we stood, trying not to cry as we didn't want to upset her. My brother stood at the top of the stretcher with her gigantic head in his arms. I stood next to him, with my arms around her torso and my parents stood on the other side with their hands gently petting her to calm her fears.
When it came time for everything to happen, it happened very fast. The nurse did what she had to do and soon, she fell asleep in our arms. Everyone she loved the most was there. My Aunt stayed in the hallway as she could not stand to see an animal be put down. And we all cried for her. To this day, we cry for her. She was a beautiful, loving animal that will never be matched. Her heart was the size of the universe and I pray that we meet again, across the Rainbow Bridge.
I remember being in the back seat of the Van, my brother in the middle with the dog, and everyone was throwing up names for her. "Princess" "Killer" "Shadow"... but nothing seemed right. She was too darn cute for some and others just didn't fit. Now, I don't remember who came up with the name (most likely my mother) but "Babe" was suggested and, without hesitation, "Babe" became her name.
She was a BIG puppy!! For only being a few months old, she dwarfed some of the older dogs on the block. We didn't have a fenced in yard at the time, so each of us had to take turns walking her and taking her out back to play. Eventually, when it got warmer out and she didn't want to come in, she would use her size against me and plop herself right onto the ground and wouldn't get up. This was both hysterical and irritating at the same time. I either had friends I wanted to go play with or homework to do. In either case, there was no moving this gigantic puppy. A few months ago, I would have been able to pick her up and carry her into the house, but Babe grew quickly and soon she had it one over me.
Babe grew to be an enormous dog! She was the largest dog in my town and everyone know of her, about her and had, in one way or another, met her. She was a gentle giant. As she grew, the normal troubles of a dog that large began to plague her. Hip displaysia caused her to go down fast. My mother recalls watching her outside, saw her slip down the hill and knew instantly when she got up that she had injured herself. From that day forward, she began to put all her weight onto the other, uninjured leg. This was fateful for her because the other leg just could not support the weight of her. After a year of x-rays, treatments and pain killers, at the age of 7, she was brought into the Animal Hospital for another look.
I was at work as a teller just starting my career in the banking industry when I got a call from my brother. "Lisa" he said "We're going to have to put Babe down tonight". I just about dropped the phone. "Her hip is unrepairable" he continued. "We're going to wait until everyone can get here and say good-bye. She is comfortable now". I remember hanging up the phone with a sense of denial. This wasn't real. No, Babe would last forever. But sure enough, as I made my way to the Animal Hospital, the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. My Mother, Father, Brother, Aunt and myself were all there for her and taken to a large room where they'd bring her out to us. We all stood in the hallway, waiting for her. As they brought her around the corner, she lifted her head instantly when she saw us, her tail wagging quickly. She was strapped down yet she struggled to get up. As we all gathered with Babe in the room together, she tried so hard to get up; wanting to come home with us. This wasn't to be. The nurse gave us a few moments to be with her. And there we stood, trying not to cry as we didn't want to upset her. My brother stood at the top of the stretcher with her gigantic head in his arms. I stood next to him, with my arms around her torso and my parents stood on the other side with their hands gently petting her to calm her fears.
When it came time for everything to happen, it happened very fast. The nurse did what she had to do and soon, she fell asleep in our arms. Everyone she loved the most was there. My Aunt stayed in the hallway as she could not stand to see an animal be put down. And we all cried for her. To this day, we cry for her. She was a beautiful, loving animal that will never be matched. Her heart was the size of the universe and I pray that we meet again, across the Rainbow Bridge.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
MaSarah Jay
My name is Lisa. Lisa Marie. Dad was an Elvis fan, thank you. So you might be wondering exactly why the link to my blog is that of MaSarah Jay.
This is a memory, while terrible, one that I will never forget, and I use her name in the memory of a the little girl that never came into my life. I suppose the time wasn't right, the stars we not aligned or what, yet whatever the reason, I lost a baby girl 6 months into a pregnancy that seemingly was going fine.
In late 2004, I was working as a Bank Manager out in Central PA. I had a great group of girls as my staff who worked hard so that I could do what I needed to do most; bring in the business accounts. Life was very stressful in this job as the District Managers in that business are never satisfied with what you bring them; even if its gold on a silver platter. In my situation, I was hired as the Assistant Manager, in charge of branch operations yet quickly was given the job of Branch Manager because the current one just one day up and left. Classy AND professional! The branch was a mess; the efficientcy of the records and security of everything was just all wrong. And we were scheduled for an inspection the following day to make sure we were up to code. I think you can guess who took the hit for that.
I'm not the type to keep my mouth shut in situations like this so I was VERY vocal in my own defence that I had a short tenor there AND had just aquired the job that week. There was no possible way I could have fixed the problems they needed to see fixed in that short of time. Yet for weeks, I was hung out to dry as the scape goat. Somebody has to blame someone, right?
What does this have to do with MaSarah Jay?
It was weeks later after all that stress came down on me and feeling sick because of how terrible I felt about my job that I thought that perhaps my sickness was a little more than stress. I was right. The strip read "pregnant" and I was happy as could be!! I made an appointment for the very next day for my ultrasound and my husband and I showed up an hour early, we were so excited (and scared).
We were taken back to the small room where they would check my baby. I laid down on the bed and put my arms above my head, turned to look at the monitor. The technition began her ultrasound and was rubbing my belly with cold goo. Looking at the computer screen, I could see the actual baby. "There's a baby in there!" I said. Yet the technition was quiet as she nodded and said "yes, there is a baby in there". Things became quiet and she continued her test. I looked at my husband, who we both knew something wasn't right. When she was finished, she cleaned off my tummy and her equipment and said "You're all done. You can go have a seat and the Doctor will see you soon".
We walked together out of the room and waited for, what seemed like, forever. When we were finally called back into the doctors office, we had smiles on our faces. We wanted to know EVERYTHING! The doctor sat across from us and folded her hands on her desk. "You are just about 6 months Pregnant. However, we were unable to find a heartbeat for the baby." My eyes went blank. What was she telling me? That my baby hasn't developed a heart yet? I was young and just was too stunned to understand yet my husband knew exactly what they were telling me and took my hand, squeezing it as if to prepare me for what was going to come next.
"You're baby has grown to 6 months and has died" the doctor said. "I am surprised you haven't miscarried on your own but we need to get you into the operating room as soon as possible."
What? You're taking my baby from me? Wait, I'm not ready for this.
The scheduled the D&C procedure for that Friday and told me that if I should miscarry on my own, to head to the ER as quickly as possible.
The day of the procedure, my parents came from Philadelphia to be with me. I wasn't ready for this. Nobody was. I sat in the waiting room wondering "Why me? Why MY baby?" Of all the things in life I have wanted to be, a mother was on the top of my list. This just wasn't happening. Yet out came the stretcher for me and they took me away.
The doctors asked if I would like to be awake or asleep for the procedure. I would have to give birth to a still-born child. If you know me, I'm a strong girl but this wasn't something I could conciously do. So after the induction, I was out and woke up an hour later in recovery with a terrible pain in my stomach, and my heart. I immediatly touched my stomach; I knew my baby was gone. The doctor came over to me and said how sorry she was as I fought back the tears of the reality of the situation. "Do you want to know what it was?"
I was confused by the question, coming out of a deep sleep and everything. "Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" She asked.
I thought for a moment. And said "Yes". This baby deserved to be remembered for the life she did live inside of me for a short while and know that it's mother loved her.
"A little girl".
And so I left the hospital later that day and kept quiet to myself. I named her MaSarah Jay. And every year, no one knows, that on that very same day, I have a small prayer for her to celebrate her birth into heaven.
Keep watch over your Mother, my child. And guide your little brother through life. He needs you and we will meet again in paradise.
Love,
Mom
This is a memory, while terrible, one that I will never forget, and I use her name in the memory of a the little girl that never came into my life. I suppose the time wasn't right, the stars we not aligned or what, yet whatever the reason, I lost a baby girl 6 months into a pregnancy that seemingly was going fine.
In late 2004, I was working as a Bank Manager out in Central PA. I had a great group of girls as my staff who worked hard so that I could do what I needed to do most; bring in the business accounts. Life was very stressful in this job as the District Managers in that business are never satisfied with what you bring them; even if its gold on a silver platter. In my situation, I was hired as the Assistant Manager, in charge of branch operations yet quickly was given the job of Branch Manager because the current one just one day up and left. Classy AND professional! The branch was a mess; the efficientcy of the records and security of everything was just all wrong. And we were scheduled for an inspection the following day to make sure we were up to code. I think you can guess who took the hit for that.
I'm not the type to keep my mouth shut in situations like this so I was VERY vocal in my own defence that I had a short tenor there AND had just aquired the job that week. There was no possible way I could have fixed the problems they needed to see fixed in that short of time. Yet for weeks, I was hung out to dry as the scape goat. Somebody has to blame someone, right?
What does this have to do with MaSarah Jay?
It was weeks later after all that stress came down on me and feeling sick because of how terrible I felt about my job that I thought that perhaps my sickness was a little more than stress. I was right. The strip read "pregnant" and I was happy as could be!! I made an appointment for the very next day for my ultrasound and my husband and I showed up an hour early, we were so excited (and scared).
We were taken back to the small room where they would check my baby. I laid down on the bed and put my arms above my head, turned to look at the monitor. The technition began her ultrasound and was rubbing my belly with cold goo. Looking at the computer screen, I could see the actual baby. "There's a baby in there!" I said. Yet the technition was quiet as she nodded and said "yes, there is a baby in there". Things became quiet and she continued her test. I looked at my husband, who we both knew something wasn't right. When she was finished, she cleaned off my tummy and her equipment and said "You're all done. You can go have a seat and the Doctor will see you soon".
We walked together out of the room and waited for, what seemed like, forever. When we were finally called back into the doctors office, we had smiles on our faces. We wanted to know EVERYTHING! The doctor sat across from us and folded her hands on her desk. "You are just about 6 months Pregnant. However, we were unable to find a heartbeat for the baby." My eyes went blank. What was she telling me? That my baby hasn't developed a heart yet? I was young and just was too stunned to understand yet my husband knew exactly what they were telling me and took my hand, squeezing it as if to prepare me for what was going to come next.
"You're baby has grown to 6 months and has died" the doctor said. "I am surprised you haven't miscarried on your own but we need to get you into the operating room as soon as possible."
What? You're taking my baby from me? Wait, I'm not ready for this.
The scheduled the D&C procedure for that Friday and told me that if I should miscarry on my own, to head to the ER as quickly as possible.
The day of the procedure, my parents came from Philadelphia to be with me. I wasn't ready for this. Nobody was. I sat in the waiting room wondering "Why me? Why MY baby?" Of all the things in life I have wanted to be, a mother was on the top of my list. This just wasn't happening. Yet out came the stretcher for me and they took me away.
The doctors asked if I would like to be awake or asleep for the procedure. I would have to give birth to a still-born child. If you know me, I'm a strong girl but this wasn't something I could conciously do. So after the induction, I was out and woke up an hour later in recovery with a terrible pain in my stomach, and my heart. I immediatly touched my stomach; I knew my baby was gone. The doctor came over to me and said how sorry she was as I fought back the tears of the reality of the situation. "Do you want to know what it was?"
I was confused by the question, coming out of a deep sleep and everything. "Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" She asked.
I thought for a moment. And said "Yes". This baby deserved to be remembered for the life she did live inside of me for a short while and know that it's mother loved her.
"A little girl".
And so I left the hospital later that day and kept quiet to myself. I named her MaSarah Jay. And every year, no one knows, that on that very same day, I have a small prayer for her to celebrate her birth into heaven.
Keep watch over your Mother, my child. And guide your little brother through life. He needs you and we will meet again in paradise.
Love,
Mom
Monday, March 28, 2011
My First Memorable Moment
They say children do not remember their childhood very much before age 5. I will beg to differ as my very first memory comes at the age of three in the living room of my childhood home outside the City of Philadelphia. A beautiful little town with tree's, green grass, an endless supply of playgrounds; my home had the warmth of a Southern Town Home.
As a three year old in pigtails, I'm not sure I could understand what exactly what was going on while I watching Television with my Father. I just saw a bunch of colorful cars driving fast around in circles and people in stands cheering and my Father jumping up and down when his #3 would take the lead. Sucking on my thumb with my whoopie in my hand, I sat on the top of my couch which was pushed against the wall of the house, facing the TV. I saw Daddy's #3 car come up behind another car and hit him from behind, causing the car to crash into the wall. "DADDY!" I remember yelling, "Why'd he do that? That was mean!" I was confused.
I remember my Father laughing at me slightly with a smile. "Lisa," he said, "they had an accident. Everybody wants to win this race. It's called the 'Daytona 500' and sometimes they crash". I got really angry! I thought, how mean it was for the #3 driver to push the other car into the wall just to win the race! What a poor sport, this little three year old thought to herself, sliding down the couch and coming to a stop on her bottom, still with whoopie in hand.
"I don't like him, Daddy." I said.
Dad laughed. The fact that his little three year old baby girl would know that hurting someone is not what we do as people most likely made him very proud.
I now I have a five year old little boy. I can only imagine the memories he must have if I am able to remember so very clearly my first at the age of three, in my living room with my father; watching the Daytona 500. Little did I know years later, that #3 car would be in a horrible crash himself he would never walk away from. It wasn't until that fateful day when I was an older girl, that I put the two together. How guilty I felt for disliking him for all those years.
I am creating memories every day with my child, I hope you cherish and create your own. Someday, I hope to create memories with someone that will last a life time to share and laugh with as we grow older together. That is the glory of the memory. Though time has passed, memories remain and the feelings you felt while creating them are never forgotten and can be relived through recounting them with those you love the most.
Best,
Lisa D.
As a three year old in pigtails, I'm not sure I could understand what exactly what was going on while I watching Television with my Father. I just saw a bunch of colorful cars driving fast around in circles and people in stands cheering and my Father jumping up and down when his #3 would take the lead. Sucking on my thumb with my whoopie in my hand, I sat on the top of my couch which was pushed against the wall of the house, facing the TV. I saw Daddy's #3 car come up behind another car and hit him from behind, causing the car to crash into the wall. "DADDY!" I remember yelling, "Why'd he do that? That was mean!" I was confused.
I remember my Father laughing at me slightly with a smile. "Lisa," he said, "they had an accident. Everybody wants to win this race. It's called the 'Daytona 500' and sometimes they crash". I got really angry! I thought, how mean it was for the #3 driver to push the other car into the wall just to win the race! What a poor sport, this little three year old thought to herself, sliding down the couch and coming to a stop on her bottom, still with whoopie in hand.
"I don't like him, Daddy." I said.
Dad laughed. The fact that his little three year old baby girl would know that hurting someone is not what we do as people most likely made him very proud.
I now I have a five year old little boy. I can only imagine the memories he must have if I am able to remember so very clearly my first at the age of three, in my living room with my father; watching the Daytona 500. Little did I know years later, that #3 car would be in a horrible crash himself he would never walk away from. It wasn't until that fateful day when I was an older girl, that I put the two together. How guilty I felt for disliking him for all those years.
I am creating memories every day with my child, I hope you cherish and create your own. Someday, I hope to create memories with someone that will last a life time to share and laugh with as we grow older together. That is the glory of the memory. Though time has passed, memories remain and the feelings you felt while creating them are never forgotten and can be relived through recounting them with those you love the most.
Best,
Lisa D.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Subscribe To MaSarah Jay's Blog!
Posts
All Comments